


i wish i was beside you

by dreamrose



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 00:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4646394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamrose/pseuds/dreamrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Joe wakes up this morning though, two things are distinctly clear. One: Joe’s body has betrayed him and he has not pushed Caspar off him in the night, resulting in Two: they are spooning.</p><p>Or, the aftermath of one of Joe's pranks leads to some realizations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wish i was beside you

**Author's Note:**

> This was partly inspired by the buckaroo prank on Joe's channel, partly because of that interview where Joe confesses that Caspar has tried to spoon him in the past and partly because of the fact that Joe and Caspar are extremely cute together and I needed to vent somewhere.
> 
> Also, this was only supposed to be a short drabble for my own enjoyment when I was bored one day, but somehow it spiraled out of control and actually became a one-shot. I don't really know how that happened.
> 
> The title is from the song "Beside You" by 5 Seconds of Summer.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it!
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and though some parts in this is inspired by real events, I do not claim anything of this has happened.

 

After the buckaroo prank on Oli, Joe sees the perfect opportunity to get Caspar to sleep in _his_ bed for a change. Since their prank has left Oli’s bed looking like a tornado swept through, and definitely not in any state to sleep in, offering up his own bed for Caspar to share is not a wild idea or a desperate plea or any other similar actions Joe would consider it to be any other night.

 

Of course Caspar doesn’t care, doesn’t notice the way Joe’s voice wavers or how his eyes avoid Caspar’s when he suggests it. They’ve done this before, but not if it could be avoided and never if Oli was with them. It’s been kind of an unspoken rule between them, whenever Oli stays over at their apartment, he stays with Caspar, who is always offering up his bed to everyone, Oli being no exception. When they started sharing hotel rooms too, the habit continued, Joe in his own with the others sharing. Joe never objected, having his own bed meant more space for him, but in the last month or so, something changed. At first he didn’t understand what he was feeling, so he came up with a few alternatives to what it could be.

 

His first idea was this: he just wanted _someone_ to fall asleep next to. It had been a long time since he had a girlfriend and his bed suddenly felt too big for just one person. He missed the way it felt to have another person next to him, the feeling of their skin against his, the warmth of their body radiating out beside him. 

 

To solve this problem he started dating a girl he met in a bar. They went out a few dates together and on the third one, Joe spent the night at her place.

 

Despite his theory, holding her and waking up beside her gave him no satisfaction at all. He found it laughable really, he was lying in the same bed as a beautiful and lovely girl after having just slept with her and the only thing occupying his mind right then was how uncomfortable the bed linen were. He didn’t feel anything for her. Not love, not comfort, not even desire. 

 

When she woke up, he told her the usual stuff, _thanks for great night but this isn’t gonna work out, it’s not you, it’s me, have a nice life,_ and left shortly after. She handled it well, even offered to stay friends (which they won’t), but as he walked back home his ears were ringing with her question about why it ended: _is there someone else?_

 

(The fact that the only person that came to mind after her question was a ‘too tall for his own good’, south african boy who has not yet understood the function of a bathroom door, the concept of personal space and who loves pizza a little too much was something Joe refused to acknowledge.)

 

He denied her question and blamed it on his fear of commitment instead.

 

° ° °

 

His next idea of what could be causing his jealousy (since the failure of his last theory he has come to terms with that that’s what this is), is that he’s afraid that he will be excluded, that Oli and Caspar will become BFF’s and that he won’t be close to them anymore. He bases this theory of the sour feeling in his stomach whenever he sees Caspar and Oli going off on their own or getting too cozy without Joe involved.

 

He got an opportunity to fix the problem the next time Josh came to stay. As he is Caspar’s best friend (Joe tries his best to not think about that and just accept it), they share a bed, which means that the next time Oli wanted to stay over, he was left having to sleep on a blow-up bed, much to his dismay. So, to everyone's surprise, Joe offered up his own bed. Oli happily agreed, because a real bed beats a mattress any day of the week even if it does contain another boy.

 

° ° °

 

In the morning when Joe decided that Oli’s company was not satisfactory, partly because he spent the time before he fell asleep wishing it was Caspar next to him and not Oli, and partly because of the way his stomach turned after seeing Josh exiting Caspar’s room in the morning, he is faced with a revelation. He doesn’t want to share a bed with just anyone and he’s not scared of losing his friends. He wants to be next to Caspar.

 

After his epiphany, the aftermath of the buckaroo prank comes as a blessing in disguise to Joe, because it gives him an excuse to share a bed with Caspar without having to ponder if it is truly platonic or not to want to do that. He’s trying his best to ignore the feelings that are bubbling up inside him everyday whenever Caspar is near and this want is not making that easier.

 

° ° °

 

The few times Joe and Caspar has shared a bed in the past, the same thing has happened; in the middle of the night, Caspar rolls over to Joe’s side of the bed, slinging an arm around his waist and pulling him in. Reacting to the touch, Joe wakes up and immediately pushes Caspar off him with some swear words and a reminder of personal space. Caspar takes no notice of Joe’s discomfort, rolling back to his own side like nothing has happened and repeats the procedure the next time.

 

When Joe wakes up this morning though, two things are distinctly clear. One: Joe’s body has betrayed him and he has not pushed Caspar off him in the night, resulting in Two: they are spooning. Not some light spooning either with only an arm loosely slung over the waist or something alike, no, this is real, actual, resembling cutlery, Ed Sheeran style spooning. Their legs are intertwined and entangled, Caspar has draped himself so close over Joe’s back that Joe can feel his heartbeat, and judging by the position of their arms, at one point or another they were probably holding hands.

 

Joe should be panicking right now. He should be freaking out, jumping out of bed, getting as far away from Caspar as possible, because this is definitely weird and undoubtedly gay. What he is doing is however none of these things. Instead of having a gay crisis, he’s staying in Caspar’s arms, marveling at how comfortable and calm and safe he feels. He doesn’t want to run away from that.

 

(What Joe is scared of however, is Caspar waking up and _him_ panicking. The last thing he wants is for things to get awkward between them, because he can’t lose Caspar. Not ever.)

 

This feels normal, like Joe could do it for the rest of his life. That’s what ultimately scares him. Because this is Caspar. Caspar. His best friend and roommate and not the right person to be feeling this for. Caspar who always supports him and compliments him and laughs at his bad jokes that no one should laugh at. Caspar who’s not like anyone Joe has ever met before, with his tallness and quirkiness and his amazing blue eyes. He sleeps too much, he cannot cook even if his life depended on it and he is one of the messiest persons Joe knows, leaving his stuff all over their apartment. All of those are traits that should annoy everyone, even the best of friends, but Joe could not care less. Because it’s Caspar. Because Joe loves him; because he’s _in love with him._

 

Joe really should have seen this coming. The way his stomach turned sour every time Caspar brought a girl home and the way it filled with butterflies whenever Caspar hugged him was not platonic, even if that was what he had tried to convince himself of. Neither was the way Joe missed the other boy every time they were apart, his heart ached and his days turned grey, contrasting to the way Joe felt if Oli was away for sometime. His eyes always lingered a moment too long when Caspar took his shirt off, his hands were often itching with a need to feel, to _touch_. How could he not notice before?

 

Joe can handle sharing a bed with another man and cuddling him, but being in love with him? That is something Joe isn’t ready to be calm about. You go your whole life thinking you’re straight and then one morning in a foreign country you realize you’re in love with your best friend, who is also a man? While it doesn’t come as a total surprise to Joe that his feelings for Caspar was not feelings of friendship anymore, it still causes a little bit of a freakout.

 

He bolts out of the bed as fast as he can, quickly untangling himself from Caspar’s long limbs. He isn’t careful though and his hasty and abrupt movements wakes Caspar up.

 

“Where are you going?” Caspar asks, the sleep prominent in his voice.

 

Glancing back at the unruly bed, Joe tries not to notice that Caspar’s hair looks softer than usual and shuts down his instinct to run his fingers through it. While he succeeds in repressing his desire to run his hands through Caspar’s hair, Joe is incapable of stopping the butterflies that erupts in his stomach from looking at Caspar. They had been present from time to time but Joe had always explained them away as only pure happiness. Now when he’s kind of accepted his true feelings, the butterflies seem to hit him tenfold. 

 

Caspar looks so innocent and beautiful lying there, all cuddled up under the white sheets with only the soft light that’s peeking through the curtains illuminating his features. Joe lets his eyes roam for a moment longer but then tears his gaze away from Caspar.

 

Joe mumbles something back, a broken sentence involving _walk, air_ and _be back soon._ Luckily, Caspar accepts that as an answer and rolls over, presumably falling asleep again. After Joe releases the breath he was holding, he grabs his phone, a pair of shorts and the first t-shirt he can find. With his keycard in his hand, Joe darts out of the room, trying his best to shut the door gentle behind him. 

 

He has no idea where he’s going, but Joe just need to get out of here, now, so he just walks, no real plan or direction in mind.

 

° ° °

 

He stops by a big window at the end of an empty hallway, where the doors have ended and the only thing present are plain, beige walls. There, Joe manages to calm himself down enough to sit down, even though his brain and body are running high with feelings and emotions.

 

After a while of just sitting there admiring the city, he does the first thing that comes to mind to help him. He calls Zoe. According to his calculations, it’s almost half past eleven there, which means that the risk that Zoe isn’t even awake right now is high. He has faith though, because he has a desperate need to talk to his sister and he has to be optimistic.

 

When she doesn’t pick up, he considers calling Will instead, but decides against it. At this moment he’s only ready for Zoe to find out, because he knows she won’t judge. He doesn’t believe Will would either, but still.

 

He tries again and this time she does pick up.

 

“Joe?” His sister answers the phone with a question and Joe understands why. He doesn’t call her that often and certainly not this early in the morning.

 

“Hi, sis.” His voice breaks a bit.

 

She must sense the emotions hiding beneath his words, because her answer doesn’t involve any of the usual pleasantries you exchange over the phone. “What’s wrong?”

 

Her blunt question startles him and he doesn’t know what to say. The words seem to be stuck in his mouth, on the tip of his tongue. “I-I’m-” He can’t say them.

 

The lie however, comes easy. “I just wanted to know how you were. Alfie and Nala too.” He’s not in the mood to joke about her name. “What did you do today?”

 

She is quiet for a while, contemplating, but eventually she indulges him.

 

“Well, I worked for most of the day, but now in the evening Alfie and I took Nala for a walk in the nearby park, y’know the one by that nice store I told you about a few days ago?” The words are clouding his brain, threatening to spill out at any moment. “That was really nice, but we do have one problem; Nala has started barking at every bird she sees. It’s really annoying us. We’ve been trying different solutions but nothing seems to-,”

 

_Fuck it,_ Joe thinks.

 

“I think I’m in love with Caspar,” he blurts out, interrupting Zoe.

 

“-work,” she finishes weakly.

 

The phone is quiet for a while and Joe wants the floor to swallow him whole. This was a bad idea, he can feel it; why did he do this?

 

“Oh, Joe…” He doesn’t want her pity.

 

“How long have you known this? I mean are you sure?” she continues, quickly recovering from the shock and going into supportive sister mode.

 

“I figured it our about ten minutes ago and then I panicked. I had a little epiphany, so to speak,” he says with a light chuckle, “ but it’s been in the works for a while, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

 

“Maybe it’s just a crush? They’re easier to get over if that’s… if that’s what you want,” she stutters a little, unsure about Joe’s intentions.

 

Being around Caspar made Joe feel all types of emotions he had never felt before. He felt comfort, he felt jealousy, but most of all he felt joy. Just being close to Caspar and in the same space as him made Joe happy, happier than he had ever been before. It terrified him, because how could one person possibly make him that happy?

 

He sighs softly. “No, it’s not just a crush.”

 

Zoe’s a good sister, a great sister even, always trying to make sure he’s okay and happy, but this time her words don’t help.

 

“So I gather you haven’t told Caspar?”

 

“No, I’ve been kind of busy these last few minutes, y’know freaking out ’n all,” he says, voice heavily laced with sarcasm, “and I don’t plan on it either so you can’t tell him.”

 

If Zoe was here, Joe is certain she would roll her eyes at him for being so paranoid. “Of course I won’t tell him, but isn’t it better to just be honest? For all you know he could be feeling the same way, it’s not impossible, I’ve seen the way he looks at you Joe.”

 

Joe’s heart beats a little faster at her statement but he pretends not to notice. He can’t afford to get his hopes up.

 

“Nah, thanks for the compliment, but he’s straight,” he says, “and even if he wasn’t he’d never like me non-platonically, he only sees me as a brother,” he adds on as an afterthought.

 

“If I’m not mistaken you thought you were straight ’til about fifteen minutes ago,” she interjects, “and anyway it’s not so simple as only straight and gay. You still find girls hot, right?”

 

Even though they don’t cause his heart to leap like Caspar does, Joe will admit his eyes often lingers on the pretty girls he sees all the time. “Yeah…”

 

“Exactly. It’s a spectrum, some people like one gender, some people like more than one and some like none. You shouldn’t be so quick to judge anyone’s sexuality.”

 

“What does that mean for me? That I’m straight with an exception?” He gives out a forced laugh.

 

“Could be. Or you could be bisexual with a heavy inclination towards women,” Zoe suggests. “That doesn’t have to matter if you don’t want it to. What does matter is that you love Caspar and you should do something about it.”

 

Joe stares out of the window where the world is slowly waking up. Instead of it being so hectic and chaotic as it is in the day, Manila feels calm. If he looks down at the ground he can see cars going by and above the buildings, the sun paints the sky in streaks of orange and yellow. 

 

He knew he made the right decision calling Zoe. She always knew how to make him feel better. He wasn’t panicking anymore, he felt scared still, afraid of rejection, but calm instead, exactly like the city that lies before his eyes.

 

Her words make him brave. “Okay, I will.” It feels like a promise. “But not right now and definitely not today _._ ”

 

Zoe sighs. “Fine, but you really should tell him. It’s always better to know how the other one feels, it makes it easier to process your feelings.”

 

When did his sister become so wise? He asks her this.

 

“I’m not, I just have experience in the field,” she says with laugh. “But seriously Joe, don’t be scared of emotions and feelings this time. You can’t lose anything by telling him, because Caspar won’t ever stop being your friend or leave you,” she continues, voicing his unsaid fear.

 

Joe doesn’t reply, choosing to let the silence speak for him instead.

 

“I know it’s scary but I’m here for you. Alfie and Nala too.”

 

They talk about other things after that, about the fan fest and the Philippines, about Zoe’s life and other non emotionally heavy stuff. He sees the sun rising in the sky and the city waking up to life, bit by bit.

 

° ° °

 

“Does Caspar and Oli know where you are?” Zoe wonders when all topics have been talked about.

 

“No.”

 

“Then you should probably go and find them; they could be worried,” she scolds him.

 

“Okay, I will call you later then. Sorry for interrupting your sleep,” Joe apologizes.

 

“It’s fine. As I said, I’m here if you. If you ever need anything, just call.”

 

“Thanks Z, bye.” Filled with gratitude for his sister, he hangs up the phone, slowly standing up from the floor. His body had begun to hurt a bit; the wall and floor weren’t made for people to use as a place to sit.

 

Joe brushes the dirt off his pants and stretches his back a little, mentally preparing himself to be able to face Caspar, without him noticing that something’s different.

 

° ° °

 

Joe opens the hotel door as quietly as possible; if he is careful enough maybe Caspar and Oli never notices that he was ever gone. His luck is non-existent though, because as soon as he enters the room, Oli is there, scrambling out of the bathroom looking bewildered.

 

“Where have you been?” Oli asks.

 

“All right, Oli, calm down,” Joe says, pulling his shoes off and walking into their room.

 

Oli just glares at him. “We didn’t know were you were, we thought something had happened!”

 

“Nothing happened, I just wanted to call Zoe and I didn’t wanna wake you, so I left,” Joe explains. It’s not a complete lie.

 

Ignoring Oli’s glares, he walks further into the room where he sees that Caspar has now switched place to the other bed, half-sitting, half-lying in Oli’s one instead with his MacBook in his lap.

 

“Hey,” Joe says carefully.

 

Raising his gaze from the screen, Caspar quickly looks up, acknowledging Joe’s presence.

 

“Hi,” he says, before looking down at his screen again. The room is quiet after that.

 

° ° °

 

Joe glances over at Caspar. He’s still editing on his computer and hasn’t said a word to Joe since Joe got back to the room. It’s kind of weird, Caspar’s there but he’s not present; the air doesn’t seem the same as usual, like the situation has changed somehow. Well, it has for Joe, but his problems shouldn’t be affecting anyone else, he hasn’t told anyone but Zoe yet. 

 

° ° ° 

 

Joe had started to suspect something was up the minute he returned to their room, but his fear only increases as the morning progresses. At breakfast he tries to talk to Caspar but he barely responds and seems to be holding back. 

 

Joe doesn’t say anything about it though, because he knows that everybody have off days where they don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. Maybe Joe is just paranoid and Caspar’s behavior doesn’t have anything to do with him?

 

° ° ° 

 

After breakfast they go down to the pool to relax a bit, since the trio hasn’t got anything planned today.

 

Joe and Oli are quick to get into the pool, sitting down by the edge beside each other while Caspar stays behind, fixing his towel by the sun bed.

When Caspar arrives to the pool edge, the easiest thing for him to do is to just get seated beside Joe, who has the spot closest to their towels. When he does reach Joe, however, he pauses in his step and his gaze wavers between the empty seat beside Oli and the one next to Joe. After a moment of hesitation he continues to walk until he’s by Oli’s left side, where he promptly sits down.

 

If Joe wasn’t sure before, he’s certain now. Caspar is actively avoiding him. 

 

Oli must have seen how Joe’s face falls after seeing Caspar’s action because his eyes flicker between the two of them and he lets out a nervous chuckle. Collecting his face, Joe turns away, instead studying the other people in the pool. 

 

(The feeling of butterflies Joe got when he looked at Caspar this morning has now long disappeared.)

 

° ° °

 

Spending the day with someone who doesn't wanna be near you and another person who’s just very confused to what’s going on turns out to be a not so great experience. Caspar grabs every chance he can get to avoid Joe and doing everything in his power to not be alone with Joe, always keeping close to Oli. 

 

The worst thing is that Joe doesn’t know what he’s done for Caspar to behave this way. Did he finally grow tired of the pranks and light bullying? The idea that it has something to do with what happened between them in the night creeps into Joe’s mind even though Joe tries to not believe it. _Caspar will never want you. He freaked out, he doesn’t wanna be near you in that way._

 

That night Oli and Caspar share a bed again and Joe has only his thoughts to keep him company. Joe was hoping Caspar would get over whatever his problem is overnight, but he has no such luck. The next morning, Caspar still talks to him, but not more than necessary, only slipping in short sentences into Joe and Oli’s conversation. The absence of Caspar’s jokes and remarks takes more of a toll on Joe than he’d like to admit, which leads to him talking less too. So, exactly two hours since any of them has said a word, Oli has had enough. 

 

Joe has gone to the bathroom, but the walls are thin and he can hear the other two arguing on the other side.

 

“What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you talking to Joe?” Oli asks.

 

“I’m not not talking to Joe,” Caspar replies. 

 

“Yeah, you are. And he’s not talking to you either. What’s up with you guys?”

 

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Oli. I have to edit now,” Caspar says. Joe can hear some shuffling around. Oli is quiet for a moment.

 

“Fine, but you two better work it out or I’m staging an intervention,” Oli says. Caspar mumbles something incomprehensible back.

 

The thought of Oli staging an intervention is simultaneously hilarious and a little terrifying to Joe. At the one hand, imagining Oli cornering him and Caspar and forcing them to speak to each other looking like a stern and concerned dad is entertaining, but on the other hand an intervention means that Joe has to talk about what he’s feeling.

 

Now that Joe knows Oli will probably corner him next he goes out of his way to make sure he isn’t left alone with him, which is hard because he doesn’t wanna be alone with Caspar either. This whole situation is becoming more and more complicated and tiring by the second; Joe wishes it could all go back to how it was. Before he realized his feelings, before Caspar started his ‘ignore Joe’-club, before everything.

 

The feelings of doubt and insecurity over Caspar ignoring him are still as present as ever, but Joe can feel himself becoming more and more angry the longer it goes on. He can see Caspar stopping himself sometimes, his mouth hanging open from almost saying a joke or his arm raised awkwardly halfway up in the air behind Joe’s back. It’s slowly and securely tearing Joe apart, a little piece of his heart at a time.

 

° ° °

 

At their dinner buffet in the evening, it’s Joe who’s had enough. He doesn’t care if Caspar’s mad at him or if he makes everything worse. He needs to talk to him. Oli has gone from the table to fill up his plate again and Joe and Caspar are by themselves. Even though Joe’s angry, he doesn’t want to make a scene in the restaurant, so he refrains from saying anything right now.

 

They are sitting at opposite sides of the table which gives Joe the perfect view to stare at Caspar’s lowered head. Caspar is busying himself with playing with his food and is furiously refusing to lift his head and look at Joe. 

 

Suddenly Caspar stands up from the table, “I’m going to the bathroom.”

 

Shocked by the outburst, Joe doesn’t react immediately. What, they can’t even sit at the same table anymore? Has it come to the point where Caspar can’t even stand to be near Joe now? That makes Joe even more pissed off, he deserves an explanation! 

 

Deciding to take the matter into his own hands, Joe also bolts from the table and follows the way Caspar went.

 

° ° °

 

Inside the restroom, Caspar is not peeing and not washing his hands or doing anything else a person might think you would do in a bathroom. Instead, Caspar is leaning against a wall, looking tired and worn out. He’s staring at the wall opposite him, studying the pattern. Caspar hasn’t noticed him yet so Joe pauses in his step and lets his eyes roam free over Caspar’s body, noticing the way his short sleeved t-shirt shows off his biceps and the way his hair is more messy on the left side.

 

When Joe closes the door with a slam, Caspar finally draws his attention away from the tiles to Joe. They catch each other’s gaze and the silence is deafening, it feels like the room is shrinking in size. 

 

Neither of them are saying anything and the tension is becoming unbearable, the only things Joe feels right now is anger and desire. It’s pulling him towards Caspar and pushed by his emotions Joe finally exclaims, “What the bloody hell is your problem? Why are you acting like this?”

 

He takes a step closer to Caspar, puffing out his chest and tries to make himself as tall as possible. His eyes involuntarily flicker to Caspar’s lips and then up to his eyes again.

 

“You know why, Joe,” Caspar says, taking a step forward as well.

 

“No, I don’t fucking know, _Caspar_ ,” Joe says, mimicking the way Caspar said his name. “Are you mad at me for something?” He wants to sound angry but it comes out more sad and insecure.

 

“I thought that after yesterday morning, that this is what you wanted, ‘cause I know what happened,” Joe’s blood freezes to ice, “and I understand.”

 

“You know what happened?” Joe asks, unsure. He runs his hands through his hair and breaks the eye contact, choosing to lock his gaze on the wall behind Caspar instead.

 

“Yeah, I know. We were cuddling and then I probably said something to you in my sleep, like ‘I love you’ or something.” Joe heart skips a beat. “And you freaked, I can’t blame, and then you ran way.” Joe’s barely listening, his brain stopped functioning after he heard the l-word.

 

_It doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t love you in_ that _way, you probably misunderstood._ Joe has to ask.

 

“You love me?” Joe pauses, locking his gaze with Caspar’s again. “Like love-love me?” He hears Caspar’s sharp intake of breath.

 

“You didn’t know? That wasn’t why you fled?” Now it’s Caspar’s who’s unsure, doubting.

 

Joe shakes his head and he can feel a smile growing on his face. “You stupid dumbass. How could you ever think I don’t wanna be near you? When have I ever been uncomfortable around you?” Joe lets out a giggle. “Oh god, we’re both so stupid!”

 

Joe moves forward to Caspar. The space between them feels enormous and Joe only wants to be closer, so close he doesn’t know where he ends and Caspar starts.

 

“What? Why?” Caspar asks, confused. Joe doesn’t answer and lets his gaze roam free over Caspar’s features again, his heart pounding in his chest. It gets caught at Caspar’s lips.

 

“Joe?”

 

Joe doesn’t answer him, instead he quickly closes the remaining distance between them and leans up and kisses Caspar. It’s not a proper kiss, just two mouths pressing together. When Caspar doesn’t respond, Joe pulls away. 

 

“I’m sorry, I thought-” His apology is cut short by Caspar’s mouth on him again. This kiss is nothing like their first; this one is desperate and passionate, like they’re trying to pour all their feelings into it.

 

Deepening the kiss, Joe opens his mouth to Caspar’s prying tongue. They’re pressed so close together, the only thing Joe can feel is Caspar, his body, his touch, his mouth. Joe still wants more. They settle into a pace quickly, one set by Caspar, which Joe happily follows. 

 

Caspar brings his hands up along Joe’s body, igniting shivers within him every time they touch his skin. One stop on his cheek, carefully caressing it, while Caspar lets the other run through Joe’s hair. When Caspar pulls a little too hard on it, Joe moans breathlessly into Caspar’s mouth. 

 

Spurred by Joe’s action, Caspar turns them around, still kissing, backing Joe against the wall a little too enthusiastically. As a result, Joe collides hard against it.

 

“Ow!” Joe exclaims, pulling away from Caspar’s mouth.

 

“Sorry,” Caspar says, but his eyes are twinkling and Joe can’t help but smile back.

 

“It’s okay,” Joe says. They’re just standing there now, breathing in each other’s presence. “We should probably go back. Oli’s gonna notice we’re gone otherwise,” he continues.

 

Ignoring his words, Caspar leans in again and Joe lets him because, honestly, he cant get enough.

 

“So?” Caspar asks, in-between kisses. He’s slowed down now and left Joe’s mouth, trailing kisses up the jaw, down to his neck. Joe can barely focus.

 

“So, what?” Joe breathes out. Caspar has sneaked his hand up under Joe’s shirt and the feeling of his hands on Joe’s naked skin makes it hard for Joe to think actual thoughts.

 

“So what does it matter if Oli notice we’re gone? I love you. And I don’t wanna hide that.”

 

When Joe doesn’t reply, Caspar stops his movements.

 

“Or… Is that not what you want? Fuck, you don’t love me back, I thought- .I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, I’m sorry.” Caspar tries to take a step back, but the arms Joe has hooked around his waist stops him.

 

“No, love, stay.” The endearment rolls off his tongue easily and he feels Caspar relax into his body. “I do feel that way about you, and I do wanna tell Oli, but I was just thinking, like, what about the viewers? I don’t think I’m ready for them to know.”

 

Caspar sighs. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Like as depressing as this sounds we need to be realistic and we don’t know how long this is gonna last.” He looks so sad as he says this that Joe can’t help but kiss him again. He surprises Caspar, because he doesn’t respond immediately.

 

They kiss softly for a while, much slower than before and not driven by their desire. Joe can feel the taste of toothpaste and chocolate in Caspar’s mouth. This time Joe is the first to pull away again, causing a low whine by Caspar who chases after his mouth. 

 

“Can we like not tell Oli right away though?” Joe asks. “Maybe it sounds weird or crazy but I wanna keep this ours, just for a couple of hours at least.”

 

Caspar beams at him then, big and broad and sunshine-like. _Someday it’s gonna blind me_ , Joe thinks.

 

“Ours. You and I. I like the sound of that.” Caspar takes his hand and laces their fingers together. His hand is bigger than Joe’s and his fingers are longer but somehow they fit. Just like the rest of their bodies had in the night before, like two puzzle pieces slotting together.

 

° ° °

 

When the come back to the table they explain to Oli that they’ve made up. If he notices their ruffled hair and flushed cheeks, he doesn’t comment.

 

The same evening, Caspar suggests that he sleeps in Joe’s bed again. Oli rejoices at that and silently Joe does the same. The problem is, with Caspar lying next to him right now, Joe can’t sleep. His mind his running wild with ideas and now that he is allowed, he just want to touch Caspar and kiss him and talk to him. He can’t though, not with Oli less than two meters away. 

 

After an hour Joe can’t take it anymore. He listens to Oli snoring to make sure he’s actually asleep and then whispers, “Caspar?”

 

“Yeah?” Apparently Joe wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping,

 

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Joe asks. “I can’t sleep.” 

 

Joe can’t see Caspar in the darkness but he can hear him turning over so he faces Joe. They didn’t start cuddling right away, in fear of Oli seeing, staying in their respective sides.

 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

 

As quickly as they can they get dressed. Both of them freeze when Oli shuffles in his sleep but luckily he doesn’t wake. The couple lock eyes across the room and Joe has to bite back a laugh. This is all so bizarre. If someone told him a month ago that he’d be in a ‘for the time being secret relationship’ with another dude, Joe would have laughed in their face. Yet here he is.

 

They thankfully make it out of their room without waking Oli up but as soon as the pair is out in the hallway Joe starts laughing uncontrollably. He doesn’t know why he’s laughing, and neither does Caspar but when Joe grabs Caspar’s hand and pulls him along, down the corridor, Caspar can’t help but join in.

 

With their hands interlocked, they explore the sleeping hotel, stopping occasionally for a kiss or two. If anyone saw them, they’d think they were crazy; two boys uncontrollably giggling at nothing. They don’t care though, because right now, they’re on top of the world; high of life, of love, of each other.

 

In the stairs, Joe is hit with a realization and stops abruptly, yanking Caspar backwards by their connected hands. 

 

“I love you,” Joe blurts out.

 

“I love you too,” Caspar replies with a soft smile. He starts to lean in again but Joe doesn’t let him.

 

Joe shakes his head. “Yeah, but I realized that I hadn’t said it out loud before and I want you to know that I love you.” He keeps his eyes locked with Caspar’s, grounding him and keeping him from running away again. The grip on his hand tightens and makes him brave. “That I’m in love with you. I want you to know that,” he clarifies.

 

Caspar just kisses him again, effectively shutting him up. They haven’t properly talked about anything, but Joe figures that they have time. If everything goes according to his plan, they have all the time in the world.

 

° ° °

 

(When they arrive back to their room some time later, the light is on and out of the bathroom Oli walks out. He takes one look at their interlocked hands, grins, then exclaims, “Finally!”

 

Joe only grips Caspar’s hand tighter, not a thought of ever letting go.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to, you can come say hi to me on [tumblr](http://www.galaxyjoe.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/_lafleurs) :)


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